Kind And Firm Parenting

By: Georgine Nash
Co-founder of Parenting Network

Question:

I've been attending several parenting classes, and I'm really sold on the ideas of democratic parenting [treating children with the same dignity and respect that parents show to their own peers]. However, in times of crisis I revert back to my old habits. I quickly forget what would be the most effective thing to do and find myself lecturing, yelling, wanting to punish, etc.

I feel really discouraged about myself. What's wrong with me? Why can't I put the newly learned ideas into practice?

Reply:

What you're describing is very common, and also very human! Sometimes you react in anger and want to punish, but often these reactions are used to dominate and make the child do the "right thing," i.e., the right thing from the parent's point of view. However, domination is inherently disrespectful of the child's viewpoint, even if it is "for his own good." This approach belongs to a benevolent dictator, not to a parent.

In parenting classes you learn about more effective, respectful ways to deal with challenges, but that's just half of the process. What you do (or don't do) is secondary to the attitude you're expressing by doing it.

No matter what the situation, there's one consistent attitude you need to convey. It might help you out if you just ask yourself this question: "What would be the dually respectful thing to do in this situation?" In other words, how do I show respect to the child, but at the same time maintain my self-respect?

For example:

Your son has his heart set on a rather expensive pair of running shoes. You get angry because you don't have, or aren't willing to spend, the money they cost. Also, you don't want him to succumb to peer pressure. He cries, carries on, tells you that everybody now has these shoes and he'll feel rejected and ostracized unless he has them too.

You can understand his wish to be part of the "in group," but you've also got a limit on how much you'll spend on this kind of footwear. What do you do?

Solution:

You tell him that you're willing to contribute toward the purchase of the shoes, and he can make up the shortfall from his own money, either from saved-up allowance or occasional presents for Christmas, birthdays, etc.

If he objects to this solution, one of the most respectful strategies you can use is to calmly ask if he has any other ideas to help solve this problem. You, however, must stand firm about what you're prepared to do.

This is what we call "kind and firm parenting." We're kind to our child, but firm about ourselves and what we're willing to do.

Georgine Nash is the co-founder of Parenting Network where she helps parents be more effective with their children. She has taught parenting classes for over 30 years. Georgine is a mother of grown children and a grandmother.

Parenting Network provides you with the life skills necessary to raise caring, cooperative and responsible children. Their parenting courses are invigorating and fun, making learning a whole lot easier. For more information about Parenting Network, please visit their website at www.parentingnetwork.ca or call 416-480-2499.