Parenting is Easy; Until it Happens to You

By: Parental Guidance

For those of us fortunate enough to be parents, it isn't long after we bring our children home that we realize what an unbelievably wonderful yet difficult journey we've embarked upon. Most of us understand that being a good parent will mean making some sacrifices, sleeping less, and doing more laundry, but it becomes clear that parenting isn't as easy as good parents make it look. We think back to the times we thought we knew how a parent should react to a child's temper-tantrum or other challenging behaviour, and begin to recognize that the right way to respond isn't so obvious when you become the parent engaged in the battle.

Most parents begin this journey with little or no formal training. Each parent brings with them their own values, ideas, and habits (both good & bad) that they most likely inherited from their own parents. They may respect and value their own parents' parenting style, or they may be looking to do the exact opposite. Whatever the case, parents are often passionate about what they think is the "right way" to parent, seemingly oblivious to the fact that they are untrained and inexperienced in the task that stands before them. Is it any wonder that many parents have difficulty?

Often overlooked, and of significantly more importance than the school of parenting you might subscribe to, is the idea of consistency. Being consistent is one of the biggest challenges parents face on a daily basis, and arguably the most important. Theoretically, consistency makes sense, but when forced into action by a very demanding 3-year-old, the commitment to consistency becomes a lot more difficult to follow through on. As only parents can understand, it is often easier to give-in, ignore, or only partially deal with misbehaviour. It is often very inconvenient to stay consistent and follow through.

There can be inconsistency between the parenting styles of two adults, inconsistency in the delivery of the message to a child, or inconsistency between multiple children. All have the potential to create confusion in your children about your expectations of their behaviour. This confusion results in your child acting out to try to establish a defined set of parameters that they know they must stay within. If those boundaries are a moving target, you can hardly blame them for not knowing what is expected of them.

Envision this scenario: you are sitting at a restaurant with your child, giddy with the excitement of someone else preparing a meal for you. You've just finished a discussion with your little darling, explaining that she is expected to stay in her seat while at the restaurant, when she hops down and crawls under the table behind you. After helping her back into her seat, you warn her that if she does that again, you will be going home instead of enjoying dinner out. After taking only your third bite of your first hot meal in recent memory, your well-behaved little one is once again underneath the adjacent table. What do you do?

It would be much more convenient for you to issue the warning once again and carry on with your well-deserved dinner out, but it will only take a few empty threats before your perfect little angel realizes that you don't really mean what you say. The ramifications of this simple and common occurrence can, and will, set the stage for more (and more serious) misbehaviour to follow. So how can we, as parents, remain consistent? Here are a few tips that can help:

Discuss behaviour expectations ahead of time: Talk to your partner and children about rules and consequences before the situation arises. By being proactive in your approach, setting boundaries you expect your children to stay within, and having predetermined reasonable consequences, it will become easier for you and your partner to remain on the same page, and present a unified force to your children. It will also reduce tendency for your children to 'test the waters', as you have predefined the rules for a given situation.

Only threaten consequences that you are prepared to follow through on: if you are unwilling to leave during the middle of dinner, don't make that the consequence. Encourage your partner to do the same, by holding them accountable for any idle threats that they may issue. Your partner won't have to leave many steaks on the table before realizing the importance of what you're trying to accomplish.

Choose your battles wisely: You must engage when the issue relates to the safety of your child or others, as well as on behaviours that you feel strongly about and have decided to focus on. It is all too easy to say "no", "don't do that", or "stop it" all day long to our children, but this can be detrimental to both you and your child. Being negative can be mentally and physically exhausting and make for long days with your children. In addition, constant nagging can cause children to tune parents out. Worse, the negative reinforcement is often interpreted as attention and will encourage more behaviour to bring about that attention. Lastly, it can also lead to poor self-esteem when children feel they are told they are bad more than good.

Focus on positive parenting: For a given situation, it is easy to create a long list of specific things that your child shouldn't do (eg. "Don't climb the fence", "never play hockey on the road"), but aside from pointing out behaviours that the child knows will garner your attention, doing so will also insinuate to your child that you don't trust them. Instead, suggest a number of things that indicate the proper behaviour to your child (eg. "If your ball goes over the fence, knock on the neighbour's door and ask them if you can retrieve it", or "why don't you play hockey in the driveway". Eventually your child will understand that your suggestions are really directives, but they will appreciate the fact that you are treating them with respect, and will generally react more favourably.

It takes a lot of hard-work, patience, determination, and support to do this job well. We also need to remember that we don't need to take this journey alone and that it is okay to ask for help when we need it. The bottom line is that parenting isn't easy; nothing this good ever is.

Parental Guidance offers unique support for parents based on your own values and beliefs. Our professionals come into your home and coach you to develop better strategies to deal with your children’s inappropriate behaviour. Our Parent Guides are highly-trained educators with extensive knowledge of child development. They have numerous years of experience working with families and are able to listen intently, ask key questions and collaborate with you to create effective individualized strategies.

Visit online at: www.parentalguidance.ca