Help: My Child Won't Get into Their Car Seat!

By: Joy Morassutti of Parenting Network

What a wonderful scenario, and all too familiar to many parents - you've got a schedule to keep, such as picking up a sibling from school, and your preschooler decides to "pull the stunt" and refuse to get into their seat!

You desperately start coaxing and offering treats. It falls on deaf ears.

You know you're headed for a power struggle! That voice in your head's saying: "You'll get in this car seat or else! Besides, it's the law!" - we have the high moral ground on our side. You start pressing their stiff little body into the seat, getting a better workout than you did all week at the gym! If you win, they kick the back of your car seat for the rest of the drive. If they win, you throw your hands up in a state of hopelessness, feeling hijacked by a pint-sized child!

Now what?

Purpose to Behaviour

First, let's check out what could be going on with your child. Toddlers are biologically driven to explore and do. They're going through a stage of amazing growth, and many are hell bent to operate independent of their parents. Quite simply, they're more capable of being self-reliant than perhaps, your normal way of relating to them, allows. And they sense it.

Since they don't have the means to express this feeling, they use their actions in the hopes that mom or dad will understand their message. Their resistance is communicating either "Me do it!" or "I don't like you being in control."

Preventing this Struggle

The key to avoiding these kinds of struggles is to look for signs that your child is developmentally ready for more autonomy and responsibility. Here are some 'readiness' clues:

• They're putting on some of their clothes, but not their coat
• They're putting their own boots on (even if on the wrong feet)
• They're able to get into your vehicle unassisted, but you're so efficient you usually have them scooped up and in before they've had a chance to do it themselves!
• They arch their back when you put them into their seat
• They put their hands on top of yours to "help" do up their seat belts

Pay attention, and change your habits (aka CONTROL), or pay the price! For instance, once your child can walk, stop carrying them to the car. Let them walk holding your hand. Once your child can climb stairs, stop hoisting them into the car. Leave them space to struggle, and offer a helping hand if needed.

Say to a child over eighteen months, "I bet you can do up your own seat buckle. Want to give it a try?" Your child likely won't master it right away, but acknowledge their effort. They'll feel capable and good about themselves - important ingredients for cooperation. With time, and with more strength in their arms, they will be able to do the job completely on their own.

Too late… already in a full out struggle?

In cases where a struggle has become more engrained, harmony can be restored. Just look for opportunities. Hint: It will involve giving your child a voice and say over more matters than simply the car seat, to get there!

To break the pattern of the power struggle, during a calm time, use puppets to role play a child who doesn't want to get into their car seat. It helps if you play the child. Role-play a typical scene in your car, with lines such as "I'm sure the puppet can find a way to get into his seat. Shall we try again?" "Can you climb into your seat by yourself or do you need some help?" "Puppet, let's see how many buckles you can match together today." Your child will reply instinctively, based on their level of capability. Follow their lead.

Recognizing that this is a period of training or re-training for your child, be forewarned that things might get worse before they get better! Children resist change just as we do. So remain calm and deliberate in your responses to your child. This creates an atmosphere for learning and progress.

As a final suggestion, look at the number of times in a given day your child is getting in and out of the car and the number of activities you have scheduled into their week. Perhaps their resistance is telling you that they need more play time at home, and with you. Sometimes simply dropping an activity or two out of their week, or moving the grocery shopping to the weekend when your partner is home, can fix the whole thing.

So save the cardio-workout for the gym, and get on the road to cooperation with your child!


About the Author: 

Joy Morassutti, ACPC, is a Certified Parenting Educator at Parenting Network where she helps parents be more effective with their children. She is in private practice as an Adler-Certified Professional Coach. For more information on courses go to www.parentingnetwork.ca or call 416-480-2499.