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Morning Struggles - Has your family fallen into bad habits?By: Beverley Cathcart-Ross
Co-founder of Parenting Network
"Daniel, what have you been doing up here? You are supposed to be getting dressed - we are going to be late again!" "I am looking for a piece to my Lego", Daniel mumbles. "Well put that down and get moving. Your brother is better organized than you are and he's 2 years younger! "
Like many parents this mom feels like she's put in a full days work by 8:15 AM. Her morning is consumed with nagging, reminding and taking away privileges. She tried establishing routines in the morning and it worked for a day or two and then it all fell apart.
What Gets in the Way?
The Slippery Slope
You've read the parenting books and know it's important for your children to become independent and get ready for school themselves. So you back off, but then they dawdle and you lose your mind!
You fall into the pattern of doing for them, because it's faster and easier, and making demands and threats, because you believe nothing would happen otherwise. You say to yourself, I will work on independence tomorrow.
Well, that is the slippery slope, and this is your wake up call - you need to get started on these skills today.
The Fallacy of Protection
Like most parents you probably get caught up in short-term thinking. "If I can just get them through breakfast without a struggle then we might get out of the house on time today." You rationalize that if you have to nag your son a bit to get his homework done at least he will do better in school. Or if you keep reminding your daughter of the time, she won't miss breakfast or be late.
You want the best for your children and don't want to see them struggle. But parents today overprotect and over serve their children more than any previous generation. Results? It keeps children dependent, gives them a sense of entitlement and no sense of responsibility.
Establish morning routines together
Children do best when they have some structure and are partners in the flow of family life. So, for routines to be effective it is best to include the child in the planning process - it is also a sign of respect. If your child has a voice and say they are more likely to be cooperative.
A great place to start is with a problem-solving meeting - let's look at how Daniel and his mom could approach their morning struggles more effectively. (If your child is under 3 years of age give them a few choices instead.) 1. | Calm Time
Mom is best to present the issue at a calm time - not at 8:00 AM when Daniel is terrorizing his younger sister. "Daniel, we've been having some bad mornings lately and I'd really like your help in finding a way to make them work better." (Note the respectful, non-blameful tone) | 2. | See It From Your Child's Point of View
Acknowledge your children's position first. "Daniel could it be that you don't like my reminding, and you feel I am on your case every morning." Give the child a chance to elaborate on the injustice of it all and listen without comment. Then summarize what you've heard him say. "So you feel that I nag you and not the others, and that you should be able to have some play time in the morning. Anything else? | 3. | Parent's Point of View
Best to keep this brief - you don't want to lose your audience! Get to the heart of how you feel (in 10 words or less): "I love you too much to fight every morning." Or "I want us to start our day on a happy note." | 4. | Brainstorm
Daniel and his mom can suggest ideas - even crazy ones. At this stage all ideas are accepted, it isn't a time to evaluate - you want to keep the process positive. I suggest you jot your ideas down. | 5. | Solutions
Time to sort through. The goal is to agree on a solution that's mutually satisfactory (sometimes the process of elimination is a good place to begin). Write down the revised routine and agree to test it out for a few mornings to see if it works for everyone. Book a follow up meeting to evaluate the effectiveness of your new routine - this is key to the success of these sorts of agreements. If it's working, congratulate yourselves; if it isn't, go back to the drawing board. |
Ideas in case you get stuck! • | Job Description: Have the child list the things that they need to do in the morning - do the same for yourself. | • | Come to an agreement on the order the child's tasks will be done - remember to find 15 minutes for that playtime Daniel wants! | • | Decide together the role the parent is to play in the child's routine. Example, Mom gives me a hug first thing, makes breakfast, calls once for breakfast, gives a "5 minutes to leaving time" warning. | • | Alarm clocks, timers, and charts can replace a parent's voice. Take pictures of your child doing their teeth, eating breakfast, etc. and make a personal photo chart. | • | Consider doing tasks the night before - my son decided to get dressed for school the night before - worked like a charm for a few months! |
Follow Through
Let your child know your limits - that's right you set limits for you - the only person you are really in control of. For example, "I can help braid hair before 8:00 AM but not after", "I am willing to help with homework the night before but not at breakfast".
Now drop your standards a bit and see the morning as a success if you make any progress. Do the unexpected by congratulating the kids for their effort. Our goal is improvement, not perfection.
Lastly, as uncomfortable as this can be - don't interfere with natural consequences. If your children are going to learn to master their responsibilities, let them experience the results of their own choices. Not dressing warmly enough, a missed breakfast, even a missed day of school are all great opportunities for your child to develop their judgement. Much of life learning is through trial and error - so don't protect them from it.
Be forewarned that children usually get worse before they get better. See it as a good sign. They could be resisting the change, or testing if they can get you back into their service. Important reasons to stay with the programme!
About the Author: Beverley is a certified parent educator, a private counselor, a mother of four teenagers and founder of The Parenting Network. Parenting Network provides you with the life skills necessary to raise caring, cooperative and responsible children. Their parenting courses are invigorating and fun, making learning a whole lot easier.
For more information about The Parenting Network, please visit their website at www.parentingnetwork.ca or call 416-480-2499.
© Toronto4Kids - August 2006. This article was accurate at the time of its publication, and information is subject to change without notice. This article may not be reproduced in part or in its entirety without the expressed written permission from Toronto4Kids. |
